totally fucking cool

How to be totally fucking cool and alienate people.

1-Become a falling down drunk. Overcome the falling down part and learn to consume heroic amounts of booze without even slurring your words. This takes loads of practice.

2-Smoke a lot. You might have heard this is bad for you. It's really not. You'll always look cooler than everyone else in the room if you can smoke a cigarette right. Bonus points if you can do a cigar.

3-Learn to wear a hat. A porkpie. A fedora. A jaunty cap. Hats can only be pulled off by the ruthlessly cool. If you're not in the "I can out drink a frat house and still walk a straight line" stage of learning to be cool, you're not ready for the fucking hat.

4-Practice your swearing. A finally crafted made up swear word is a total badge of cool. If you can't come up with a winning combo (cum dumpster comes to mind, for instance) gratuitous use of the word "Fuck" will get you by.

5-Speaking of the word fuck, do not give a fuck. When you're doing all the things to make you a cool guy, you're going to have some people telling you that you're being "obnoxious." They're just jealous of how fucking cool you are. These people are squares and they're trying to get you down. Fuck em.