how to go out drinking at six am

You've been there before. Maybe you hit the bars late, and then went to an afterparty and the maybe found Mr or Miss Just For Tonight, and you wake up with a jolt with the sunrise streaming in the window of some crappy apartment or hotel room. Maybe your mouth is dry and smells like a hobo's ass. Maybe you're horrified at what you see laying down beside you. Or maybe you just haven't quenched that thirst that you know someday will kill you... All you know is it's six am and you need a drink, like yesterday. And that's not always the easiest thing to accomplish at six am. Some towns are pretty square and you can't find a bar that is open as soon as it is legally possible to open. But that's because you don't know how to look for one.

How To Go Drinking At Six A.M.

1- If you're looking for a bar that might be open at six in the morning, one thing you need to consider is location. The closer the bar is to a train station, bus depot or a bad area of town, the more likely that it is open before the breakfast rush starts.

2-Bars without windows are also a good contender. No one wants to be seen getting a shot of rotgut whiskey at 6 in the morning. The hardcore booze hounds have hangovers anyway and sunshine is the enemy.

3-Any place that has really terrible tap beers, or no tap beers at all is pretty likely to be open for business at six. Any place that serves Pabst Blue Ribbion "ironically," not because it's fucking cheap, will probably not be open at six am. Learn to recognize cocktail irony.

4-If you bought bad drugs there the night before, it's probably open again at six. Hopefully the chump that sold you the bad blow will still be there so you can knock his ass out.

5-When drinking at six am, refrain from ordering complicated bullshit. The bartender just got up and got to his booze supply too and doesn't want to make your stupid ass a mojito. The only exception to this rule is the Bloody Mary, which all morning bartenders know how to make and think that their's is the very best. If you get one you don't like, suck it up you big baby and drink it and then order something else. The morning bartender is not to be trifiled with.

6-Don't make small talk with other boozebags at the bar unless they talk to you first. Even then, keep your answers short. You already know what a degenerate you are, why make friends with more people like you?

7-Do not act surprised when someone offers up that this is their first drink since getting out of prison. Remember what I said about bus depots? Yeah, lots of the prisons send their former residents home with 50 bucks and a Greyhound ticket. Looking surprised will make you look like you want to get mugged. You don't want to get mugged, you want to get drunk, remember fuckhead?

8-Don't put a lot of obnoxious shit in the jukebox. Stick to the classics when drinking in the AM: Frank, Dino, Tom Waits, Patsy, Johnny... you get the idea. If you want to get wild the Rolling Stones "Beast of Burden," isn't too loud but will kick it up a notch.

9-If you're lucky enough to find a dive that serves food, order some. You need it.

10- All of these rules are off if you're drinking in an airport at six am. Mostly because all airports have these fucking TGIFridays bars in them now and everyone should be punished for that. Order seven mojitos and a basket of hot wings. Fuck it.