sin is in

I don't get what the big deal about "sinners" is. Some churchy lady started into me about being a sinner the other day. I was just minding my own, drinking out of a paper bag at the waterfront, waiting for the latest shipment of uhhh vegetables to come in and this woman comes up and starts calling me a sinner.

Call me crazy, but sippin' booze out of a paper bag seems like a lot more fun than going around passing judgement on people. I like to "sin" as it's commonly known. I like to drive too fast, drink too much, eat too richly and ingest any and everything that will get me off.

What's the point of life if you're not getting a charge out of it?

I'm well aware that I'm going to die sooner than most people. I'm aware that I'm a walking toxic waste dump and I just don't care. So I don't get the squares constant need to tell me about it. I really want to get a t-shirt made that says something like "I am aware that I am drinking/smoking/snorting/fucking myself into an early grave, thanks"

But everyone knows people who wear t-shirts with funny sayings on them are douchebags and not cool. And everyone knows if I had a shirt with words on it, one of the words wouldn't be "thanks."

Anyway back to the judgement. You don't see me running into a church or a school telling people get their buts back on the barstool. Hell the more of you squares there are, the more room there is at the bar for me. And it's quieter without all you fools mucking up the place.

how to go out drinking at six am

You've been there before. Maybe you hit the bars late, and then went to an afterparty and the maybe found Mr or Miss Just For Tonight, and you wake up with a jolt with the sunrise streaming in the window of some crappy apartment or hotel room. Maybe your mouth is dry and smells like a hobo's ass. Maybe you're horrified at what you see laying down beside you. Or maybe you just haven't quenched that thirst that you know someday will kill you... All you know is it's six am and you need a drink, like yesterday. And that's not always the easiest thing to accomplish at six am. Some towns are pretty square and you can't find a bar that is open as soon as it is legally possible to open. But that's because you don't know how to look for one.

How To Go Drinking At Six A.M.

1- If you're looking for a bar that might be open at six in the morning, one thing you need to consider is location. The closer the bar is to a train station, bus depot or a bad area of town, the more likely that it is open before the breakfast rush starts.

2-Bars without windows are also a good contender. No one wants to be seen getting a shot of rotgut whiskey at 6 in the morning. The hardcore booze hounds have hangovers anyway and sunshine is the enemy.

3-Any place that has really terrible tap beers, or no tap beers at all is pretty likely to be open for business at six. Any place that serves Pabst Blue Ribbion "ironically," not because it's fucking cheap, will probably not be open at six am. Learn to recognize cocktail irony.

4-If you bought bad drugs there the night before, it's probably open again at six. Hopefully the chump that sold you the bad blow will still be there so you can knock his ass out.

5-When drinking at six am, refrain from ordering complicated bullshit. The bartender just got up and got to his booze supply too and doesn't want to make your stupid ass a mojito. The only exception to this rule is the Bloody Mary, which all morning bartenders know how to make and think that their's is the very best. If you get one you don't like, suck it up you big baby and drink it and then order something else. The morning bartender is not to be trifiled with.

6-Don't make small talk with other boozebags at the bar unless they talk to you first. Even then, keep your answers short. You already know what a degenerate you are, why make friends with more people like you?

7-Do not act surprised when someone offers up that this is their first drink since getting out of prison. Remember what I said about bus depots? Yeah, lots of the prisons send their former residents home with 50 bucks and a Greyhound ticket. Looking surprised will make you look like you want to get mugged. You don't want to get mugged, you want to get drunk, remember fuckhead?

8-Don't put a lot of obnoxious shit in the jukebox. Stick to the classics when drinking in the AM: Frank, Dino, Tom Waits, Patsy, Johnny... you get the idea. If you want to get wild the Rolling Stones "Beast of Burden," isn't too loud but will kick it up a notch.

9-If you're lucky enough to find a dive that serves food, order some. You need it.

10- All of these rules are off if you're drinking in an airport at six am. Mostly because all airports have these fucking TGIFridays bars in them now and everyone should be punished for that. Order seven mojitos and a basket of hot wings. Fuck it.

here's to the whores

It should not come as a surprise to you fucktards that I have spent many a night with some very questionable characters. My favorites of these being the loose women. The whores. The slutty sluts. And not even for the reasons you would think.

I like the loose women of the world because they're honest and upfront about who they are. Classy broads, man what a headache. Always puttin' on a show about how they deserve to be worked for or married or something before they do the naughty naughty. They go around acting like sex is a fucking chore and how lucky I am supposed to feel for getting into their shorts. Please!

I have it on good authority that women do in fact like sex. Some of them even like it more than we guys do since they don't have to worry about that refreshing period. The only difference between the loose women of the world and the classy broads is that the "slutty" girls are upfront about liking it. They seem to enjoy other forms of entertainment too, like drinking and smoking and cursing and fighting, all things I appreciate in any form.

The loose women of the world don't hide behind some outdated notion that they can't get what they want unless they play the game. In fact I think this loose women term was another thing invented by the squares of the world to keep fun girls in their place. Heaven forbid a girl gets to have fun like the boys, especially the bad boys.

No you can keep your always has her stockings straight, wearing pearls and pillbox hat lady. Give me a girl in cigarette leg leather pants and a leopard bustier! Give me the girl with the stiletto heels and the bright red lips carrying a flask in her cleavage. Give me a broad who I'm not sure if she wants to fight me or fuck me or maybe even a little of both. Give me a gal who will never apologize and never explain, and that girl, I'll give her the world.

memories

The problem with sobriety is this: when you do shit, you remember it later. And sometimes that's a great thing. You want to remember the time you got to bang Sophia Loren in the back of a Fiat in Italy. You want to remember your first glass of a fine scotch or your first sweet car.

You probably don't want to remember how you got herpes or you caught your brother giving it to your wife good and proper over your kitchen counter. You probably don't always want to remember all the friends you had that died or the friends you wish had died because they were ballin' your wife too. You probably don't want to remember that time you got shot buying herion in New York city or how you ended up sleeping in a dumpster and some hobo fuckwit pissed on your favorite bowler.

No these are the things people like us drink to forget. And if you drink good and long and hard enough, you start to forget all kinds of things, like where you parked your car or what ever happened to Baby Jane or even where they fuck are my pants? Goddamn fucking pants..

Anyway I forgot what I was saying.

I spend a lot of time in dark lounges. It's for the best really. I'm killing my brain cells so they don't remember dumb bullshit that's happened to me in the past. Because being bitter just eats at you, so might as well swallow your medicine and head for the horse track, because someday, you too are going to die. I sure as fuck don't want some squeaky clean record with St Peter to show for it. I want to live until I die and then I want to forget about it.

I'm not really sure why all the squares in the world really want to live all healthy and shit and remember every Goddamned thing anyway. I mean what fun is their life? You wake up every day next to the same person, you shower and shave, put on a monkey suit, kiss your little darlings goodbye and get in your generic sedan and go sit in a box for eight hours. Maybe if you're feeling particularly saucy you stop off to bowl with the guys or grab a light beer on your way home. You get home, that same broad and those kids are still there at home. You eat meatloaf. You put on some silk pjs and read the paper, hear about the wife's headache for the 890th night in a row and you go to sleep and if you're really lucky, you get a dream about Marilyn Monroe in there before you wake up and do it all over again.

A life like that would drive me to drink... well more than I do. So maybe that's it. Maybe the people telling me I've got it all wrong just want me to be as miserable as they are. And to that I say "fuck it." Pass the scotch. I want to forget I even thought about this shit.

totally fucking cool

How to be totally fucking cool and alienate people.

1-Become a falling down drunk. Overcome the falling down part and learn to consume heroic amounts of booze without even slurring your words. This takes loads of practice.

2-Smoke a lot. You might have heard this is bad for you. It's really not. You'll always look cooler than everyone else in the room if you can smoke a cigarette right. Bonus points if you can do a cigar.

3-Learn to wear a hat. A porkpie. A fedora. A jaunty cap. Hats can only be pulled off by the ruthlessly cool. If you're not in the "I can out drink a frat house and still walk a straight line" stage of learning to be cool, you're not ready for the fucking hat.

4-Practice your swearing. A finally crafted made up swear word is a total badge of cool. If you can't come up with a winning combo (cum dumpster comes to mind, for instance) gratuitous use of the word "Fuck" will get you by.

5-Speaking of the word fuck, do not give a fuck. When you're doing all the things to make you a cool guy, you're going to have some people telling you that you're being "obnoxious." They're just jealous of how fucking cool you are. These people are squares and they're trying to get you down. Fuck em.

things I want in my mouth

this is as much of an intro as you're going to get, fuckface